Tbh, I enjoyed my stay in Korea, despite some bits of drama here and there. This is supposed to be a ranting blog, so I shan’t elaborate more about what happy things happened there.
Back to Singapore means back to reality. Back to more drama. Back to the ever dreaded TB4 prac.
Why did I dread practices so much? Because in Chinese, I called it “sky change”. When I came back, evidently there was a change in sky. Change in atmosphere. Change in friendships. Change in cliques. It’s scary, how things can drastically change within 4.5months. Idk how the other person coped with it, but for me I can’t cope well with it at all. So much has changed. Are my friends before my exchange still my friends? Can I even trust them anymore?
They say that virgos have trust issues. I agree. They say that libra seeks for balance. I agree. I know there’s no such thing as a Virgo-Libra cusp but honestly, I couldn’t care much about it. I have trust issues. And I seek for balance.
Now, I have difficulty in trusting my cca mates. And the balance I ever enjoyed before my exchange is disrupted. Everything is in a mess, and that aggravated my mood even more. I don’t seek for ppl to understand me, I don’t seek for ppl to emphatize or sympathize with me. I seek for ppl to find that balance back for me.
But with that balance disrupted and everyone is just... All “gone”, I find no meaning to stay. I find no purpose anymore. My friends were no longer there. Why stay when I don’t have friends anymore? Everyone has become so fake, so cold, so distant.
You know why I don’t like to do makeup? I feel that it’s fake. It hides what’s the real you. It hides what’s ugly, what couldn’t be shown to the real world. So it’s fake. And those who starts to lather on thick makeup, spending so much time and money on it becomes fake too. This is an indicator to me that someone is fake.
It’s sad how someone I used to like very much is now someone I don’t really wanna talk to anymore. Guess they say usually friends don’t become couples has a reason. You know that person too much. Ofc the other party don’t know my feelings because if that person know, I don’t need to stay in that cca anymore even if I’m involved in the concert.
I guess this is really my last concert. Parents are getting angry that I am going back to school till late at night for pracs when I’m still sick. And they blame it on the late night pracs when I couldn’t recover. Being stuck in the middle sucks, but I can understand that they’re just concerned about my well-being. Especially when I felt so tired on Saturday and yet no one even bothered about me at all. So tired that I can even fall asleep while dancing lol. Ended up having to force myself to walk around school and find a quiet corner to sleep for a while coz of that stupid headache.
I learnt a lesson in JC, which is that everyone seeks for joy. Everyone wants to be happy, wants to be positive, so they seek for joy. And that being said, they’ll go all out to ignore the negative, ignore the sadness, ignore anything that will stop them from getting all the fun.
Which is me.
And so I’m ignored and forgotten.
But it’s alright. I’ve been through it enough that it doesn’t hurt anymore.
But seriously, where are my true friends? Why do I get hurt so much and yet no one bothers about me? Where art thou?
This CCA has brought me joy, yet brought me pain and sadness as well. It has destroyed my self-esteem and my very so treasured confidence.
Thank you. And I hope to never experience all that pain again.
Endure it for a month more, you can do it Sammie.
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