Rant.

Its been a while since I last blogged. Why am I back here? Its because I have a lot of thoughts bottled up and its making me quite miserable now. Blogging is an avenue to express my thoughts and calm myself down.

Year 2... Has been quite forgiving. Yes, the workload has increased, the amount of content I have to memorise and regurgitate out in my exams has increased etc etc but its been forgiving given that I hadn't really been serious in my studies. The whole point of this post is not really about academics. Its about something else...

Idk if anyone will ever chance upon my blog. But let's just assume no one does. :)

My self-confidence hasn't been great in the past, and it hasn't improved even now. This lack of confidence at my abilities seemed to be an achilles' heel for me. Especially when I am very self-conscious. I missed many opportunities and had many regrets.

Coming to uni, my friends told me I changed. Yes, I became more cheerful, more enthusiastic, more open. But this self-confidence shit isn't improving. Even when I had performed in my CCA's concert. Its not happening.

Under that cheerful facade I built for myself, lies a rotten to the core personality that I tried so hard to hide. And it seems like I can't keep it in any longer. I have so many secrets, so many that I live my life everyday, worrying dead that one day the wall I built to keep my secrets will crumble and show my ugly self to the world. I have been constantly keeping myself in check, but how long can I hold on? How much more does it take for that wall and my mask to crumble?

I cried, cried so hard today. Never cried for such a long time. Its suffocating. Its disgusting. Its not the cheerful me. And yet I have no one to depend on, no one who's willing to listen to me. No one. Because humans are made to only care about themselves. I should never expect someone to be by my side because no one cares. Everyone is pre-occupied with their own problems. But, I just hope that one day, one day, someone would be able to listen to me and help me go on with my life.

Now, I am all ready to wear that mask and move on. For now.