Decision.

Been ranting on this blog about how much I hate my CCA. How much I wanted things to change for the better but it just got worse. How much I wanted to leave but I just couldn't.

Things have changed.

It may have been a misunderstanding on my part. But the feeling I get is always the same - being left out, feeling dumb and made use of. Its an incident I don't wish to recount again, but maybe I should still do so in order to remind myself why I made the decision to leave.

14 June 2018. Day when we filmed our Best of Me cover. It was a long day, we got chased out of YSTCM and Yale-NUS. And we settled at a rooftop in UTown ERC. Started filming officially at 3PM, ended around 7.30PM. Tough filming day, tiring and mentally draining. Persevered on. Was glad that everything ended well. But one of the members wasn't feeling well after the filming, so I was worried. When we were changing in a toilet, she wasn't feeling well and was making vomiting sounds. Since we took turns to take care of our bags to change, I went out to get the rest to change while I guard the bags.

It took them a while before they came back. I was worried something happened in the toilet, since changing clothes wouldn't take so long. Besides, 5 people in the toilet, why would they need to wait for each other and leave together right?

Turns out they were taking pictures in the toilet. Having fun. Without me. Alright. I am used to that. But, I was really worried and they could have not take pictures in the toilet leaving me alone wondering what the hell happened to them.

Was feeling uncomfortable with the fact that they left me out and treated me like a fool. So I left earlier after finishing dinner, since I don't really know what to say to whatever nonsense they were talking about.

Some of them realized something was wrong with me, and explained what happened exactly. But no sorry I don't care about your explanations. I am not that forgiving anymore. This incident has broke me so badly, I supposed it was because I haven't fully recover from my ahgong's death. I broke down while telling mum about it. It was clearly bullying. I was isolated. Left out. Ignored. Heck it, I am transparent to them. Who the fuck cares about me anyway. I am not someone who will benefit them, not someone who is fun, not someone whom people would like to talk to. I am serious, I enjoy deep talks, I love strategy games. I am a boring person. I don't laugh at things that I don't find funny, I have a different sense of humor. I hate it when people try to think they're good and act good. Rubbish. All rubbish.

Overall, I am a difficult person to talk to.

And hence I don't have many friends. But I treasure every single friend I have. But at that moment, 3 friends just broke me hard. All 3 whom I treasured so much.

You guys are not gonna get back the same me anymore. I may be here, but not the same. I will not treat you all the same way as before. No matter what the explanation was. I will not accept any explanations.

Fuck my life. It's so fucking screwed. I have almost no friends already, why is this kind of thing happening to me every time?

I actually don't feel like living anymore. If this is life, then I must as well be dead.

It was so painful. My heart shattered.

And this was why I made up my mind not to join the cca anymore. Finish up all my remaining covers and leave. I may regret my decision to give up something I really loved to do, but I will not regret my decision to leave these people who had been giving me pain.

Sayonara to 2/3 years of friendship. It has been painful, doubtful and resentful. I'm all ready to burn bridges again.

I hope you guys can forget about me, as much as I try to forget about you guys.

It hurts, but it'll be over soon, I hope.