D+6

Time flies. Concert finally ended and I must say concert day was so shitty for me. Fell sick the day before concert, then getting last min instructions to do stuff (which I ended up not doing). But all is well, endured through everything and I must give myself a pat on the shoulder for finishing this concert well.

The main point of this post... I wish to discuss something more personal.

Shall we start about my personality? Tbh idk what kind of personality I have to others, but having known myself for 22 years I guess I can say something about it. I’ve been someone very serious, very sensitive, very unfriendly. And so for these past few years with these weaknesses identified, I tried to correct them, or make them less obvious. But then it’s still there, it’s part of my personality.

Which explains why I don’t have that many friends. For this person here is always paranoid, always temperamental and always cold.

Therefore I’m always thankful to those who are willing to tolerate my shit and still remain friends with me after so long. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely. 

This concert has kinda heavily dealt a blow to my self-esteem and confidence. Everyone was so good, it made me doubt myself. Whether I’m good enough to even be part of this concert. Whether I’m good enough to be part of this song. Whether I should even remain in this cca. Or whether I even have a place in this cca. Like I’ve mentioned before, after returning from exchange, it felt as if the whole cca changed. Clique dynamics changed so much, it was shocking. But then again, this cca is just too political.

It’s like the blow was too great it started crumbling my mask too. I couldn’t pretend everything was alright, so I turned to being emotional and upset every time. And it’s detrimental to friendships. But it can’t be helped. 

Sighs everytime when I talk about this, I just feel like stopping. 

Also it’s not easy concealing my true feelings. But I’m trying. Hopefully it goes away soon.